It’s late at night and I’m lying on the edge of the bed as far away from him as I can get. I am mostly numb. I want to feel something, but there are too many feelings to narrow them down. I am trapped, and I wonder if there will be an end to these nights. I want to die.
“Why don’t you go sleep downstairs?” he growls at me. I squirm a little closer to the edge of the bed. I hate sleeping downstairs; it’s cold because we turn down the heat at night and the couch is so uncomfortable. I am silent, better to not make it any worse. Maybe if I’m quiet he’ll go to sleep; it’s already 11:30pm and the kids have school in the morning. Ten minutes of silence.
“I said, ‘Go downstairs if you don’t want to be close to me.’” I try a reply this time, “I don’t want to sleep downstairs.” Silence. Then he says, “I don’t care what you want. You obviously don’t care what I want.” He takes off my covers and waits for me to leave. I wait. Stalemate. Then he’s turning on lights; he’s raging. I can’t process what he’s saying because my mind is shutting down. I think, “He’s really mad. What should I do? I have to get up early tomorrow. I hope he doesn’t wake up the kids.”
I stay turned away from him, hoping he’ll let it go. “Please, let’s just go to sleep.”
“That’s all you care about, your sleep. You don’t care about me,” he says. He feels justified now, entitled to do whatever it takes to keep me up or get me to leave. After all, I don’t care about him. I am lazy, insensitive, selfish.
I relent. I’m not going to get any sleep here. I get up and grab my blanket and pillow to go downstairs. “Ya, take your blankie,” he spews as I walk out. I trudge downstairs, make my bed on the couch at the bottom of the stairs. He turns on the stair light and leaves it. I remove a few pillows and make a bed on the couch in the bright light.
I pray. “God, I don’t understand. Where are you? Why does it have to be like this?” Silence, then peace. Nothing earth shattering, I can hear him upstairs churning, mumbling. There’s a knowing that God is here; He sees. I make myself breathe deeply, trust, try to sleep.
Jennifer, you are so brave to share!! ❤️ The stigma about abuse needs to be ended. I am honored to learn what I can from you and walk with you through the catharsis of writing!
Thank you, Tabitha! I completely agree that there’s a lot of stigma and it’s not fair. Abuse is so prevalent today, according to the CDC 1 in 4 women will be the victim of severe violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
My friend, how brave and strong you are. All my love.
<3
Keep speaking.
Thank you!
I’m thankful for your sharing, Jennifer.
Thank you!
No words, other than thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
So, so sorry. May the telling bring more healing and may the healing bring more opportunity to light up your world with the glory of God.